The Spirit of Christmas

Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Original transcription by Paul Swanson (

HTML and updates by Tim Skirvin (]

Cast: Stan

[Music. Scene Snowy hill.]
Kids We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
Stan What? wait a minute.
Kyle What?
Stan Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle Yeah, I think so.
Stan Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.
Kyle What?
Stan You're sposed to sing Hanukkah songs!
Kyle "Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of clay,
Dreidel dreidel dreidel--"
Stan That's a stupid song.
Cartman Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Cartman Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' son-of-a-bitch!
[Jesus floats down from the sky.]
Kyle What the--
Kenny (zips up hood)
Jesus Behold my glory.
Stan Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus I come seeking...retribution.
Stan *gasp* He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me.
Jesus Nay, fear not. I love All My Children.
Kyle *whew*
Jesus Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right.
Stan Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude.
Jesus I must find a place called "The Mall".
Kyle Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan Yeah! It's over this way.
[Kyle and Kenny exit]
Cartman *ugh* Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker.
Stan Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus.
[Stan exits]
Cartman Eh, fuck you.

[Scene: Buildings. Music.]
Stan Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus Him!
Santa Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus.
Jesus You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle.
Santa I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus Christmas is for celebrating my birth.
Santa Christmas is for giving.
Jesus I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy.
Santa This time we finish it. [stands] There can be only one.
Stan Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
[Jesus and Santa fight]
Kids Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus!
[Jesus and Santa fight more, Mortal Kombat style.]
Kyle Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Jesus Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him.
Jesus God is watching you, boys. You know who to help.
Santa Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle Eh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew.
Kyle You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go god DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK.
Cartman Oh yeah? Well listen up...
Santa Buttfuckin...
Kyle I'm not the buttfucker, you're the buttfucker...
Stan Wait, wait, just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do?
[Music. Brian Boitano appears.]
Brian Did someone say my name?
Cartman Brian Boitano!
Kyle What incredible irony!
Cartman Yeah, it's Brian Boitano!
Brian What's going on, kids?
Stan Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?
Brian shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year when we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bi-eee!
[Brian skates away.]
Jesus You fuckin' pussy!
Santa C'mere! Come on!
Stan Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy.
Kyle Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist!
Santa You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus.
Jesus No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle.
Santa Thank you boys.
Jesus Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie.
Santa oooo!
Stan *whew* That sucked.
Kyle Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to _the_ Brian Boitano.
Stan Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:
Cartman Yeah, ham.
Stan No not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman Fuck you!
Stan Christmas is about something much more important.
Kyle What?
Stan Presents.
Kyle Ah.
Stan Don't you see, Kyle? Presents.
Kyle Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan Wow, really? Count me in.
Cartman Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.
Kids [leaving]
"Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!"
[Sign: "El Fin". Blackout.]