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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 09:29:06 -0600 (CST)
From: Sheilagh Marie Blaise O'Hare 
To: felon@eden.com
Subject: History of The Net

>>                        History Of The Net
>>                        ==================
>>  First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis.
>>  Dennis was unimpressed with God.
>>  So,... God created Brian.
>>  But, Brian got bored with God.
>>  So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw C,
>>  and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and Dennis play
>>  some more.
>>  Then Brian and Dennis created Unix. God saw Unix, and he was jealous.
>>  So he created Bill to torment Brian and Dennis and obscure their
>>  creation (for God could not destroy Unix, for he secretly admired
>>  its perfection).
>>  So Bill created Microsoft. And Microsoft created Windows. And God saw
>>  that it was bad, but it had market share, so he was happy. Then Bill
>>  got cocky, and his ego got bigger than God's. So to knock Bill down a
>>  couple of pegs, God put into effect, a wondrous plan.
>>  First God created Tim. And Tim created the World Wide Web (using
>>  Unix, of course). This was good, but not THAT good. So God created
>>  Marc. Marc created Mosaic (using  Unix, of course). Mosaic created a
>>  huge feeding frenzy that has got a lot of people who are reading this
>>  their jobs.
>>  But that's a different story. Mosaic was good, and God saw it was
>>  good, so he allowed Marc to start Netscape. Back to this later.
>>  But all this time Brian and Dennis started to make something better
>>  than Unix called Plan 9 (because God was successful in foiling Brian
>>  and Dennis' previous seven plans [there was no Plan 8 because Brian
>>  and Dennis pulled the wool over God's eyes and just jumped to Plan 9,
>>  which was too bright a move for even God to figure out.] )
>>  Eventually, God figured out how to create Larry.
>>  No one knows how or why he created Larry, except perhaps to reduce
>>  productivity at the Jet Propulsion Labs at NASA. [Rumors are that God
>>  created Larry because he secretly liked what Dennis and Brian had done
>>  with C, but didn't think C and Unix was enough -- this probably isn't
>>  true because God believed he had destroyed Brian and Dennis' plans by
>>  destroying Plans 1-7, and by creating Microsoft to slay their beloved
>>  Unix.
>>  Anyhow, Larry created Perl (using Unix and C, of course), and God saw
>>  it was good, so he made Randal. Larry and Randal wrote books about
>>  Perl. And everyone saw that this was good, except snobs who were too
>>  much into C, Windows, and Intel. (It so happens that Randal was so
>>  cool he figured out a way to break into Unix at Intel, and Intel sued
>>  him for it but that's another story also -- chances are Randal would
>>  not have been able to break into *Plan 9* at Intel, but Intel isn't
>>  cool enough to be running Plan 9)
>>  Anyhow, back to Randal. So Randal and Larry wrote books, but they had
>>  to be nice because of the people they worked for. So then came Tom.
>>  But back to Tom later.
>>  Anyhow, God saw Netscape (made using Unix and C, of course), and he
>>  saw it was good, and that annoyed Bill quite a bit. And that made Him
>>  very happy, and made Marc very rich. But Bill was very very rich. But
>>  that's a *completely* different story.
>>  But as good as Larry's creation, Perl, was, it couldn't do everything,
>>  so God created Scott. Scott announced Java, and this was big news.  Now
>>  Java really pissed Bill off, because Bill also created Blackbird, and
>>  Java killed Blackbird. This was bad because killing Blackbird also
>>  meant killing the Microsoft Network. And many rejoiced over that, but
>>  that, too is another story.
>>  Now Java, obviously had done much to annoy Bill. For Java was so good
>>  that Bill had to license Java. All this time, Scott poked lots of fun
>>  at Bill because Sun, which was where Scott worked, made a better OS,
>>  derived -- of course -- from Unix, which was better than Bill's and
>>  Microsoft's Windows.
>>  Anyhow, even God's creations Steve and Steve who created Apple
>>  couldn't make Bill license the much superior MacOS. But finally, Bill
>>  had to license Java. So justice was served, and Bill's ego was served
>>  him on a platter for him to eat his words. Or something. That part is
>>  unclear.
>>  So by this time Windows and Microsoft and Bill in general really
>>  sucked. Especially considering the advantages that Brian and Dennis'
>>  C and Unix, running Marc's Netscape and Mosaic over Tim's World Wide
>>  Web, doing cool CGI stuff with Larry's Perl, which you learned from
>>  Randal and Tom, and got to program with Scott's Java.
>>  And God realized he had put Bill down too far. So then God made it so
>>  that Marc's Netscape and Mosaic could run on Windows. We already know
>>  that Bill had to license Java from Scott. We know that Bill missed
>>  the boat for not beating Tim to the punch on the World Wide Web. The
>>  last straw was for God to make it possible for Larry's Perl to run on
>>  Bill's Windows.
>>  So back to Tom. Tom was a Perl God. And God didn't like this, but
>>  Tom's a God so there isn't much God could do, so He couldn't stop Tom
>>  from saying things like "install an operating system on your poor
>>  lonely computer the way God and Dennis intended", and "Espousing the
>>  eponymous /cgi-bin/perl.exe?FMH.pl execution model is like reading a
>>  suicide note -- three days too late."
>>  The moral to the story? God is fickle. That's why Microsoft and Bill
>>  and Windows exists. Do what God intended, install C, Unix,
>>  Mosaic/Netscape, Java, and Perl on your system, and make Brian,
>>  Dennis, Larry, Tim, Tom, Randal, Scott, and even Steve and Steve,
>>  I'm sure, happy by doing so.
>>  Oh yeah, Linus was cool too. He's the guy you thank for being able to
>>  run all the cool stuff on your crappy little Pee Cee. (anything with
>>  x86 on it, by default, is crappy, no PERSONAL flames intended)

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