One hundred subjects were selected based on their lack of dental
checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date.
This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people
found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving
those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests. Those for whom the Breathalyzer
machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects.
Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental
checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B
(twelve-gauge). The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects
did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the
experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were
administering, and everyone responsible has consistently disavowed
knowledge of the entire experiment.
Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times
afterwards, as appropriate.
Criteria Method A Method B
-------- -------- --------
patient expressed yes, quite loudly patients' expressions
pain during were priceless during
treatment treatment
patient requested yes, quite loudly patient seemed too
painkillers surprised to react
during treatmen
patient was able yes, some left early patients were kept for
go home same day further supervision
patient expressed yes, there were no patient spoke out
negative feelings complaints against their
about treatment treatment
afterwards
patient mentioned no such comments all patients sat in
looking forward to chair, quietly
next treatment looking forward
mortality rate zero percent 102 percent (one
within a week experimenter was
accidentally shot)
lawsuits filed three forty-four
within a week
As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in
almost all respects. Method B is less expensive, much simpler and
quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient.
Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a
"dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that
is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS.
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