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Stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the
hard landing.  It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's
fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ" airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off
except for little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if
I ask you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?"  The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

>From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt, and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or
your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle.  From all of us at United
Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very
careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling
luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day.  I could tell during the final
that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain  in your seats with your
seat belt fastened while the Captain taxis what's  left of our airplane
to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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