[collected 1998-09-02 (Sep Wed)]
100+ reasons it's great to be a guy
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Monday Night Football.
- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every shot of someone crying.
- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
- All your orgasms are real.
- A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
- Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
- You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
- When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
- You never have to clean the toilet.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
- The National College Cheerleading Championship
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every nite.
- If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- Foreplay is optional.
- Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me".
- The world is your urinal.
- You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
- You get to jump up and slap stuff.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scary.
- You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
- Same work....more pay.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
- Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
- You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- ESPN's sports center.
- You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
- Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
- You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
- You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F... it!"
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
- You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
- If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
- You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ...notice anything different?"
- There is always a game on somewhere.
- You are not expected to know the name of more than five colors.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 people, on December 24th, in 20-45 minutes.
Cogito ergo spud (I think therefore I yam).
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alexsiodhe, christopher north-keys, christopher alex north-keys