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               Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
                   ------------------------------------------

       There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
  on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants
  that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the
  time to study them.

       Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes
  referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term
  that she would have  thought less of the person if a close biological
  link did not in fact exist.

       Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
  households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

       One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
  fruit and  mineral water to her grandmother's house.

       "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people
  who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
  between various people in the woods?"

       Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
  boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

       "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

       Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
  womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until
  all womyn were free.

       "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
  since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

       And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
  attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
  stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help
  engender a feeling of community.

       "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
  hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

       But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
  actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
  although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior
  to what some people called "health".


       Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
  delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

       Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
  place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
  cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the
  natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural
  predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

       Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
  Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized
  peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
  lifestyle role models.

       On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
  and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

       She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
  her what  was in her basket.

       Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
  but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
  chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

       She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
  gesture of solidarity."

       The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
  to walk  through these woods alone."

       Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
  extreme, but  I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
  outcast from society,  the stress of which has caused you to develop an
  alternative and yet entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me,
  I would prefer to be on my way."

       Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
  Grandmother's house.

       But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
  adherence to  linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker
  route to Grandma's  house.

       He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
  affirmative of his nature as a predator.

       Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he
  put on  Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited
  developments.

       Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

       "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you
  in your  role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

       The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

       Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

       "You forget that I am optically challenged."

       "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

       "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but
  I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

       "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

       The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
  reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
  grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
  could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

       "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
  "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
  intimacy!"

       The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his
  grasp on her.

       At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
  brandishing an ax.

       "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

       "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
  "If I let  you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in
  my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower
  achievement scores on college entrance exams."

       "Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!
  This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red
  Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

       "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and
  her grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."

       "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
  "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
  protected flowers earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a trauma.  Do
  you have any aspirin?"

       "Sure," said the Wolf.

       "Thanks."

       "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on
  his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have
  any Maalox?"

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