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From: Rob Mayoff
To: Funny Looking
Subject: alt.religion.scientology
Message-ID: 
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII

This is probably much funnier if you share the same repulsion of
Scientology that I have.

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic 
Forwarded-by: Phil Agre

Date: Sun, 01 Jun 1997 12:55:53 -0700
From: Steve Jebson 
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Re: Scientology: Is not what you read here!

In article <19970531060600.CAA00578@ladder02.news.aol.com>,
 theta88888@aol.com (THETA88888) wrote:

> Regarding the upper level scriptures of Scientology:  If I were trying to
> teach you integral calculus and you could not even understand basic
> arithmetic I would fail to help you learn, correct?  Well, Scientology is
> an exact science of what the spirit really is and what he is doing with
> and to a body.  If you don't study it in an orderly, step-by-step method,
> you are likely to be confused.

This reminds me of something that happened when I was taking my basic
calculus course in college.  The professor was lecturing on how to
find a differential and I asked if that had anything to do with differential
equations.  Immediately two large men siezed me and escorted me from 
the room.  They wanted to know how an intro calculus student knew about
differential equations, which were above my grade.  I told them I had
been reading outside class and they warned me never to read anything
about mathematics that wasn't an approved textbook, then told me I 
had been assigned a lower condition.  

When I got back to my dorm, I found that everybody in it had received
an anonymous note accusing me of being involved in sexual perversions
and drug dealing.  This wasn't so bad, since my status and popularity
in the dorm increased until people found out none of it was true.  But
other math students would just ignore me if I tried to speak to them,
or would say they couldn't talk to me until my situation was handled.

A few days later I got a visit from several representatives of the 
Mathematics Board Guardian's Office (I went to school before it became
the OSA).  They told me they knew I had been dividing by zero and de-
manded a complete report on all my illegal operations, and the names
of everyone else involved.  I didn't know what they were talking about,
but I really did want to finish the course.  So I finally did sign a
statement they gave me.  It said that due to a variety of irrational 
acts, I had fallen into a horrible trapezoid, and I knew mathematics
was the only real way out.  I admitted that I had been attempting,
with other people the statement named whom I had never heard of, to
construct right triangles where the square of the hypotenuse would
not equal the sum of the squares of the sides.  But we had naturally
failed in this attempt to create a squirrel scientific group, and I 
now regretted my actions. 

As an amends project, I computed the value of pi to 1000 places, en-
tirely by hand.  I also proved Fermat's Last Theorem by showing that:
a) Fermat was agreat mathematician.  b) Fermat said he had a proof.
c) Therefore a proof must exist.  d) If a proof exists, it must be true.
This was really a very valuable exercise for me, because for the first
time I truly understood the principle that 'a proof is valid if it is 
valid for you'.  The other students accepted my petition to rejoin the
class and eventually, after writing a success story thanking the 
university, Isaac Newton, and G. W. Leibniz for my new life, I was 
allowed to graduate.

So you see, Mathematics and Scientology really are very similar exact 
sciences, operating in essentially the same manner in their respective
fields.
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Cogito ergo spud (I think therefore I yam).
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