- And we wonder how wars get started.
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
named Laurie, with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year
ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...
" But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from
the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman
who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped
its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War & Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of
her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must
one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid,
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto
that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.
(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have some
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA???
Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
(Rebecca)
Ass hole.
(Jim)
Bitch.
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
(Jim)
Slut.
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
(Jim)
Eat shit.
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.