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Date: Mon, 7 Jan 91 21:42 +1100
From: Daniel Bowen
Subject: Re: Life begins at 30...
To: friedman@ai.mit.edu
X-Vms-To: IN%"friedman@ai.mit.edu"
Status: R
The Very, Very, Absolutely Totally Bestestestestestest Of
___ __
__|__ | | | |
| OXIC | USTARD | |ORKSHOP |_ILES
|_| |___ |_|_| |
(That load of crap written by Daniel Bowen; vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au)
INGREDIENTS:
Benzidrine, flouro-wancezine-mega-carbonate, hyper-concentrate-thingy, a
joke, some stuff, chemical additive U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour), and
Mango Milkshake. Laugh compatible. Do not over-quote or paraphrase. Do
not expose to delete command.
C:\> dir
CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n
OKAY, FORMATTING C: no no no
CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n
OKAY, FORMATTING C:. PRESS ESC TO ABORT.
esc esc esc!
CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n
OKAY, FORMATTING C:
esc esc esc esc!
YOU'VE HAD YOUR CHANCE SUCKER.
WIPING F.A.T.
esc esc esc esc!!
TOO LATE NOW. HAHAHAHA FORMATTING...
_______________________________________________________________________________
- AH, MY BOY, SO YOU ARE BACK AGAIN FOR YOUR DIAGNOSIS. COME IN, COME IN.
- Well, the thing is that I spoke to another doctor.
- VOT DO ZAY KNOW, MY BOY. ZAY HAVE NOT THE EXPERIENCE IN CLINICAL
PSYCHOLOGY ZAT I DO! I GOT HD FOR PSY192! NOW! TO YOUR DIAGNOSIS.
- Um, actually I don't think I...
- NOW, YOU HAVE BIG PROBLEMS MY BOY. BIG BIG BIG BIG PROBLEMS.
- Yes I know, I've got a broken leg, and I can't walk properly.
- NO NO NO, MY BOY. I HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING YOUR SUBCONCIOUS, AND I HAVE
COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YOU HAD A REPRESSED CHILDHOOD. BUT MORE
SIGNIFICANT THAN THAT, YOUR BROKEN LEG IS CAUSED BY SEVERE SEXUAL
PROBLEMS.
- What?
- A COMBINATION OF CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE, PSYCHO-SEMITIC DISORDERS AND A
GUILT FEELING IN YOUR SUBCONCIOUS HAS CAUSED YOUR LEG TO REJECT THE
LEADERSHIP OF YOUR BRAIN, AND ATTEMPT SUICIDE, THUS, BREAKING ITSELF.
- You're not serious.
- MY BOY, ZIS IS VERY SERIOUS! I HAVE CONSULTED PAST CASE BOOKS, AND HAVE
COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT MUCH OF YOUR BRAIN IS CONVINCED THAT YOU
ARE TURNING INTO A FROG.
- Rebbit.
- ON ZE OTHER HAND, I COULD BE WRONG...
_______________________________________________________________________________
AND NOW FOR THE NAZI-NEWS WEATHER FORECAST FOR TOMORROW
Seig heil! And now, here is your racially pure forecast for superior German
areas of occupation! In the concentration-camps, there will be heavy
anti-semitism, with many executions in the later part of the afternoon. On the
Eastern front, there will anti-Russian feeling amongst the troops, blowing over
to heavy bayonetting tomorrow. Around Dresden, there will be heavy falls of
schweinhund Allied bombs most of the day. And finally, here in inner Berlin,
the anger of the Fuhrer will rise, with a low tonight of frustrated murmurs up
to a high tomorrow of carpet digestion.
_______________________________________________________________________________
VX24 USERS BULLETIN Number 12 - 1/10/90
-----------------------------------------
SUBJECT: New Vax Command
DEC have written a new program to make VMS error messages more readable. The
new code, called TRANSLATE, translates the error message into simple English to
aid with debugging and general use of DCL.
To make use of this new facility, the following command is used:
SET TRANSLATE /MODE=(type)
Where "type" is the type of error message you would like. Valid types are
detailed below, with examples.
As an example, suppose while copying a file, an error occurs-:
%COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found
The TRANSLATE utility will change this message to make it easier to read, in
the following ways.
VALID TYPES: SAMPLE OUTPUT:
------------ --------------
feminist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, That chauvinist pig VAX reckons you
don't even know the real filename. Try again, and show
this male pig computer that all wimmin can tell this
computer what to do!
hippy %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Oh no! Oh heavy heavy heavy. The
bad-vibes-ville uncool VAX can't find the file! Oh no,
what are you going to do now?
anarchist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Hey! The git VAX can't find the file!
Right on! Who needs files for copying anyway? Files
represent beauracracy and red tape! Let's take all the
files and stuff them up the computer's collective arse!
medieval %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The lord VAX cannot find thy file,
peasant. Thou shall provide thy full path name again,
lest thy head answers for it!
evangelist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, And yea! God's servant VAX was unable
to find your file. But if you believe in the power of
God, evil Satan's forces SHALL put the file back. Donate
$3000 to SYSTEM, get down on your knees, and try again.
suicidal %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. That's it, that
command was your life. Now go and kill yourself. But
remember to log out first.
bogan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, F***ing hell, c***! That stupid
mother-f***er of a VAX says it couldn't find the f***ing
file! Maybe it wasn't really called F***ER.TXT;2
pirate %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Required filename not found. So what
the heck, I'll copy the whole directory!
psychologist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The computer's very inner soul has
rejected the concept of 'files' due to a bad experience
when the OS was a lower version number. All influenced,
of course, by the system manager's severe sexual
problems.
python-fan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The file cannot be found! It's NOT
pining - it's passed on! This file is no more! It has
ceased to be! It's expired, and gone to meet it's maker!
This is a late file! It's not there! This is an EX-FILE!
management %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The VAX has initiated a CPU committee
meeting to determine whether or not this file can be
found. DCL will report the results in four weeks.
jargon %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The total number of files retrieved
that are equivalent to the parameter specified in your
previous command is zero!
system-manager %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. Now get really
angry and take it out on the poor pathetic grovelling
little users.
politician %COPY-E-INPFFND, Input file found. There have been no
errors that I am aware of. None at all.
Raymond Luxury-Yacht
System Manager, TOX12
---------------------
_______________________________________________________________________________
MONASH UNIVERSITY REF: T18-221090
FACULTY OF TECHNOLOGY
ELECTIVE SELECTION FOR 1991
Due to the amalgamation of Chisholm Institute of Technology and Monash
University, a number of new elective options have become available. Brief
details of some of these are given below. They are available to students
in the following courses:
Bach of Applied Science (Computing) (BP)
Bach of Applied Science (Computing) / Bach of Business (Accounting) (BJ)
Bach of Applied Science (Digital Technology) (BR)
Students in other courses may also be able to join these subjects. They should
enquire at their school administration office. Electives will formally be
selected during re-enrollment for 1991.
SUBJECT SUBJECT
CODE DESCRIPTION
------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADM130 Spouting managerial bullshit
AUS401 Applying for Austudy
AUS402 Guessing when Austudy payment day is
AUS403 Spending all the Austudy the day the payment comes through
BOO182 Queueing up in the campus bookshop
BOO203 Working out when to bring monumentally heavy books to tutes
CAR383 Finding car-parking spaces within a mile of the campus
ENV173 How to budget an environmental lobby group on $75,000 a year
EXA323 Looking over people's shoulders in exams
EXA327 Falsifying exam results
FTP707 Finding really good FTP sites to download from
GIF392 Viewing GIFs in public terminal rooms
HIP371 How to financially manage a commune without getting all commercial
and heavy but also without running out of bread
ING438 Crashing Ingres
LEC301 Insulting lecturers 1 - clothing part I
LEC302 Insulting lecturers 2 - clothing part II
LEC303 Insulting lecturers 3 - speech impediments
LEC304 Entering lectures late without being noticed
LEC305 Leaving lectures early without being noticed
LEC310 Advanced lecture skipping
LEC311 Paper-plane construction
LEV501 Style on campus
LIB202 Dodging the library alarm system
LIB203 Queueing up for photo-copiers
LIF274 Falling down lift-shafts
LES201 Lesbian Rollerskaters' Workshop
MET210 Dodging ticket collectors
MET211 Getting to uni when there's a train strike and an assignment's due
MET212 Train arrival estimation
MET213 Bus arrival estimation
MET214 Tram arrival estimation
MET215 Giving up and getting a taxi
MTY231 Monty Python quotes
MTY331 Advanced Monty Python Quotes
MUS372 Arguing over music 'cos they were really shit hot in concert honest...
MUS373 Turning on the radio and oh no, it's bloody INXS `Suicide Blonde' again
PHO505 Justifying long phone conversations
PHO506 Justifying long modem sessions
PHO511-520 Getting your modem working 1-10
PHO521 Configuring the terminal
PHO522 Finding a dial-in line that works
PHO523 Finding a dial-in line that's not engaged
PHO524 Giving up on the 1200/2400 lines and dialling a 300 baud line instead
PHO525 Waiting in VICNET queues
PHO526 Remembering your login password
PLN472 Thinking up imaginative .PLANs
PUB273 Beginners' pub brawling
TAX261 Tax evasion
PSY192 Spouting psychology bullshit
PSY193 Guilt without sex
PSY194 Psychopathic workshop
SIG373 Thinking up imaginative .SIGNATUREs
SFT112 Crappy Obselete Bloody Old Language programming
SFT291 Software piracy
SFT292 Finding the "quiet" option when playing games in public terminal rooms
SFT391 Introductory virus implementation
TER104 Finding a free terminal
TER105 Finding a free and working terminal
TOX018 Detecting when something serious looking is in fact Toxic Custard
TOX221 Gaining new subscribers by mailing to random people (what me? never!)
UNX111 Trying to make sense of Unix commands
UNX112 Filling up your disk quota
VAX302 Using up your VAX budget 1 - PHONEing people in the next room
VAX303 Using up your VAX budget 2 - MAILing out garbage to lots of people
VAX304 Pleading with system administation for an extension of your Vax budget
_______________________________________________________________________________
AND NOW TO INJECT A BIT OF CULTURE INTO THIS CRAP.
--------------------------------------------------
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
WHAT?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
Who is already sick and pale with grief
WILL YOU PISS OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she
I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...
Be not her maid, since she is envious.
I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?
And none but fools do wear it: cast it off
I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL
It is my lady, O it is my love
LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE
O that she knew she were
HELLO, POLICE?
She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE
Her eye discourses: I will answer it.
HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE
I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.
PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
THANK YOU OFFICER.
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars
OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM
Would through the airy region stream so bright
WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?
That birds would sing and think it were not night
WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?
See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT
That I might touch that cheek
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE
Let go of me arm, pig!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Next in the literary splendour of Shakespeare's Workshop Files-:
- Romeo And Juliet - A Court Case
- we ask the question - just what compensation did Lady MacBeth receive?
- And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Romeo Montague, you are charged that on or about the early morning of the
twenty-fourth of October 1990 you were found to be drunken in charge of a
Shakespeare tragedy.
BUT MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER TRAGEDY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LENNOX: Good-morrow, noble sir.
MACBETH: Mornin' all, have a good kip?
MACDUFF: Is the king stirring, worthy thane?
MACBETH: Nope, he got a bit piddly last night.
MACDUFF: He did command me to call timely on him; I have almost slipped
the hour.
MACBETH: Cripes, well I'm not waking up the king; he'll have my head
lopped off!
MACDUFF: I know this is a joyful trouble to you; But yet 'tis one.
MACBETH: Yeah well.... someone's gotta wake up the old git. This is the door.
I'll go and put the kettle on.
MACDUFF: I'll make to bold to call, For 'tis my limited service. [HE GOES IN]
LENNOX: Goes the king hence to-day?
MACBETH: Yeah, that's what it says in his appointment diary.
LENNOX: The night has been unruly: where we lay,
our chimneys were blown down, and as they say,
Lamentings heard i'th'air, strange screams of death,
And prophesying with accents terrible
Of dire combustion and confused events
New hatched to th'woeful time. The obscure bird
Clamoured the livelong night: some say, the earth
Was feverous and did shake.
MACBETH: Yeah, I was pissed too.
LENNOX: My young remembrance cannot parallel a fellow to it.
[MACDUFF RETURNS]
MACDUFF: O horror! horror! horror! Tongue, nor heart,
Cannot conceive nor name thee!
MACBETH, LENNOX: What's the matter?
MACDUFF: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
Most sacrilegious murder hath broke ope
The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence
The life o'th' building.
MACBETH: Come again?
LENNOX: Mean you his majesty?
MACDUFF: Approach the chamber, and destroy your sight
With a new Gorgon: do not bid me speak;
See, and then speak yourselves.
MACBETH: Oh shit... And we only just had the carpet steam-cleaned.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WELCOME BACK. AND NOW WE CROSS LIVE TO SCOTLAND, WHERE JONATHON DIMBLEBY IS ON
THE SCENE, WAITING TO FILL US IN ON THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS ON THE MURDER OF
THE KING.
JONATHON: Thank you Richard. I have with me here a nobleman of Scotland, in
fact the man who found the murdered king. Mr Macduff, what has
happened here?
MACDUFF: Murder and treason! Look on death itself! up, up and see
The great doom's image!
As from your graves rise up, and walk like sprites,
To countenance this horror!
JONATHON: I see. Well, also here is Mr Lennox, another nobleman of Scotland.
LENNOX: Aghast I stood as I surveyed the scene
Of the horror of this day.
Though the murderer is not found,
Mayhaps he is closer than we think.
JONATHON: And finally, Mr Macbeth. Any comment to make?
MACBETH: Yes Jonathon. Although it does look at first glance that the king has
been brutally murdered, I have inspected the situation, and it looks
very much to me as if the rats got him.
JONATHON: Rats?
MACBETH: Yes Jonathon, rats. After all, we must remember that this is the
middle ages, and that bubonic plague is commonplace.
JONATHON: Yes, well, on that note, back to the studio.
NOT COMING SOON:
MARK ANTHONY THRILLS THE CROWDS WITH HIS HIGHLY ORIGINAL SOUND
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS ARE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY
/\/\uckDonald's "Good time, great taste
All in a CFC lined case"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY is pleased to announce the new
transport zoning system for the Melbourne metropolitan area, which we
have been working on ever since the last zoning system came into effect.
The new system will consist of not three, but forty-seven zones. To work
out which zone you are in, take the page number of the Melways
street-directory you are in and call it 'x'.
Your zone = int ((x * tan (x) ^ 2 ) mod 47) + 1
The zones are not actually numbered, but are named after colours. Whereas
in the old system the zones were 1, 2 and 3 (or yellow, blue and red),
the new system consists of zones named blue, navy blue, light blue,
electric blue, royal blue, red, bright red, pink, burgundy and so on.
The bus and tram numbering system has also been changed. These will now
be known by the names of animals. So, to go from Carnegie to the city,
you now need to catch the giraffe tram. If you wish to go by bus, you
could get the grasshopper and change to an ostrich at Hotham Street, blue
zone. Your ticket will need to be valid in zones blue, bright red, pink,
mauve, gold, bottle green and paisley.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?/\
No, it's / \
--------------------- - Leaps tall terminals in a single bound!
S U P E R U S E R - Wipes out users at the press of a button!
--------------------- - Closes down the computer at a moment's notice!
\ / - Sacrifices spare time to keep the system going
\/ for all of us. Isn't he a nice guy? Don't we
all love our system managers?
NEXT WEEK we'll be looking at how to get into the lunatic asylum of
your choice. And we'll be visiting the John Major School of Really
Interesting People, and the Henry Cate School of Joke Copying.
AND NOW, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR SMILEYS :-)
- Well known smiley personality Guy Smiley (see artist's impression,
above) of Sesame Street fame has been arrested on obscenities charges.
- A network committee will look into the recently high population growth of
smileys on Internet. They will in particular be looking at the high migration
of smileys into NetNews, and the alarming incidence of homeless smileys in
rec.humor.
MEDICAL COLUMN
Recent research into peoples fears has revealed a number of new
phobias:
- Ticketphobia - the fear of losing your train-ticket when the
ticket-inspectors get on
- Humorphobia - fear of not being able to keep up with all the new
articles in rec.humor
- Phobiaphobia - the fear of being afraid of something
- VAXphobia - fear of Vax VMS commands
- Toxicphobia - fear of Toxic Custard Workshop Files (they can be vicious)
- Duckphobia - fear of ducks
- Hibiscusphobia - fear of malvaceous tropical plants
- Porkphobia - fear of pork - very common in Israel
And remember; eat all your ^s
_______________________________________________________________________________
The following letter was written by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
"You know, people often tell me how lucky I am, being God. But you
know, being a deity isn't all it's cracked up to be. For instance,
the hours are terribly long, and if you make one wrong move,
millions of people whinge for months afterwards. Take that Salman
Rushdie thing.
Now, three days after `The Satanic Verses' came out, I was
intending to blast him with a lightening bolt, just for a bit of
fun, and to make the Christians panic. But whammo, I missed (had a
bit too much holy water that night), and hit a chemical factory in
Altona, Melbourne instead. Terrible mess. The Muslims were furious.
Nobody in Melbourne minded though. Par for the course apparently.
Anyway, the conditions are awful. Ever tried answering prayers from
four million people at once? It got a bit easier when the answering
machine was installed, but with population growth being so high,
soon I'll need a whole switchboard. And the pay is atrocious. I
haven't had a wage rise since 4000BC! And there's no chance of
promotion. I've reached the top of the heap, you might say.
Still, I s'pose it could be worse. At least I've got my American
Express Gold Card now. And everybody knows my name..."
_______________________________________________________________________________
"JULIUS CAESAR", Act 1, Scene 2
-------------------------------
[Enter Caesar, Antony, stripped for the course, Calphurnia, Portia,
Decius, Cicero, Brutus, Cassius, Casca, a Soothsayer, and after them
Marullus and Flavius with the communal gherkin, and a crowd estimated
by police to be at least ten thousand following.]
CAESAR: Calphurnia!
CASCA: Peace, ho! Caesar speaks.
CAESAR: Calphurnia, where the bloody hell are you?
CALPHURNIA: Here, my lord.
CAESAR: Stand you directly in Antonius' way,
When he doth run his course. Antonius!
ANTONY: Caesar, my lord?
CAESAR: What did that last line mean? Tell me, I can't remember.
ANTONY: I shall remember:
When Caesar says `do this', it is performed.
CAESAR: Get on with it then, and leave no ceremony out.
[Music, `Anarchy in the UK', by the Six Apistols]
SOOTHSAYER: Caesar man!
CAESAR: Ha! who calls?
CASCA: Shut the fuck up, all of ya!
CAESAR: Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I'll only talk to you if your not from a Murdoch paper.
Speak, Caesar is turned to hear.
SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.
CAESAR: What man is that?
BRUTUS: A thoothayer bidth you beware the idth of March.
CAESAR: Have you got a lisp, Brutus? Set him before me, let me see his face.
CASSIUS: Fellow, come from the throng, look upon Caesar.
CAESAR: Yo man, what's happenin' bro? Run that by me again.
SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.
CAESAR: He's drunk, let us leave him: pass.
Anyone got a dictionary there? Right. Look up ide!
CASSIUS: Icon... icosahedron, icterus,
ictus, I'd, id, ah! Ide - see id. Hmmm okay.
id, ide, ns. a fish of the same family as the carp, inhabiting
fresh water in Northern Europe.
CAESAR: "Beware the fish of the same family as the carp of March"?!?
BRUTUS: Methinkth he wath ath pithed ath a newt.
CAESAR: Well, all the same... Calphurnia! Cancel the fish-fingers tonight;
we'll call out for a pizza. C'mon; almost time to watch "I, Claudius"
on the telly.
[The procession leaves]
*****
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