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[collected 2001-05-02]


Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you

I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here.

"I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I
said,'Thyroid problem?'"

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you won't

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only
had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well
keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and idiot's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational.  I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive."

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint.  On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on
the highway?"

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met.

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Walk without rhythm and you won't attract the worm.
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