Source: http://www.livejournal.com/users/cassieclaire
2003-03-21 12:31:26 CST (Mar Fri) 1048271486
Day One
Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking
about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still
not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two
Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits
were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last
bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his
horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from
Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Day Three
Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em
all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was
forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now
Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for
pointy hat trick.
Day Six
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, Are you
King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around
and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to
open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets
for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is
turning even self on.
Day Nine
Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by
Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick
there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling
v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve
Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed
to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace
returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that
could have been
You're late or could have been Throw me down and shag me
rotten. Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do
not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to
brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen
Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number
of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so
fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later
Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist
us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die
looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, It's
unbelievable! about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is
unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me
everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen
Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration
ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of
himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion,
sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn,
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but
v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that
night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring
and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.
Still not King.
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