Scientific Truth in
Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
(Stolen Without Permission from
Journal of anillegiblycopiedtitle)
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe,
including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to
the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance
between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85
million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its
mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the
user.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a
process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from
its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe,
including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be
responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons,
etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable
respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim
to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible
for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this
product is and how fast it is moving.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a
"gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive
power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the
consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of
99.999999999999% empty space.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged
particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles her
hour.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions
of a grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product
may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner
whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although
no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process
will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be
entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the
consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond
those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new
dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small area that they cannot be
detected.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including
this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small
space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of
this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer
is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist
only in a vague and undetermined state.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise
should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will
result.
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