ON DUCKWASHING AND CHEEZY SHAVES by Pam North Commercial products play a major role in the lives of all of us, but many have additional uses that most of us have never considered. Dawn is a popular dishwashing liquid, but it now has a secondary use in washing ducks rather than dishes. A watered-down, 5-percent solution of Dawn has become the favored agent used to clean wild birds trapped in oil spills, allowing the gummed-up creatures to survive and be rehabilitated back to the wild. It is a gentler and better de-greaser than any other method tried up until now. Until the mid-1970s, rescuers used mineral oil on distressed ducks, but Dawn works better compared to other leading brands. Dawn played a major role in the cleanup of the Valdez oil spill, and the recent sinking of a giant tanker off the coast of Spain will almost certainly call for more of these unconventional birdbaths. Dawn's secondary value as a duckwashing liquid is hardly the strangest use for a conventional household product. A standing joke is that the average household needs only two fix-it products: duct tape and WD-40. If it moves and it isn't supposed to, use the duct tape; if it doesn't move and it's suppssed to, use the WD-40. Both products have uses you may never have thought of, so consider these. Duct tape is now being used to remove warts. This method was published a few weeks ago in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, which offers proof that duct tape is more efficient than freezing warts off with liquid nitrogen, and is a lot less painful as well. Researchers instructed patients to leave a piece of duct tape over a wart for six days. On the seventh day, they removed the tape and filed the spot with an emery board. The procedure was repeated for up to two months, or until the wart disappeared. WD-40 is great for removing the gummy residue from sticky price tags. You probably never have entertained the thought of putting hemorrhoid cream on your face, but fashion models do it routinely. In the fashion industry, they must be ready to be resourceful, and do whatever it takes to look good in front of the camera. Hemorrhoid cream reduces the puffiness under their eyes, giving them a smoother, refreshed appearance. Many of these models research the labels of expensive and trendy beauty products, finding their key ingredients in cheap supermarket items, and some have thus made interesting discoveries: Pepto Bismol makes the ultimate cleansing mask, especially for ladies with sensitive skin, and for the consummate makeup remover, try Crisco. Crisco reportedly is so easy on the skin that some hospitals use it to treat psoriasis and exzema, disguising it as "Cream C." One fashion writer visited a top beauty spa and found an unusually large cache of kitty litter, but no cats. Although she ended up bribing a spa employee for the secret, she should have realized that the clay in a $50 facial and a 99-cent bag of kitty litter is basically the same stuff, the biggest difference being the price. Current cat litter brands on the market have additives and deodorizers, so it's worthwhile investigating the products a little more before experimening with your face. What could be more American than processed cheese? If you haven't developed a taste for the popular snack food, Cheez Whiz, you can always use up that leftover jar in your fridge by using it for a shave. The oils in Cheez Whiz lubricate the skin and give a remarkably smooth shave, and its built-in moisturizing effect is sure to impress any nacho-loving woman. If a complete change of pace is desired, consider shaving with peanut butter, Cool Whip or Pam Cooking Spray. That salt-laden, nitrate-packed lunchmeat SPAM can be used as furniture polish; you can polish your furniture with pantyhose; clean your toilet with Tang; fashion insect repellent using Bounce fabric softener sheets. For bad sunburns try soaking yourself in a soothing tub of instant tea (gives a whole new meaning to the slogan "Take the Nestea Plunge"). Tannic acids in tea do have some benefits for sunburn. Here are a few more findings: Styling gel and gelatin really aren't all that different, so you can smear a little Jell-O on your comb for that big interview (whipped cream is optional). Adolph's Meat Tenderizer will relieve that bee or wasp sting; the enzymes in it break down the proteins in the insect venom. Two teaspoons of Aunt Jemima's pancake syrup supposedly soothe an irritated throat. When a skunk has had its way with you, try dumping two one-quart tomato juice cans into a bucket and sponge yourself vigorously. The acids from the tomatoes neutralize the skunk smell. White vinegar can help, too. Rumor has it that if your kids come home from school with lice, Kraft Mayonnaise is a critter killer. Smear a little mayo on the kids' scalps, wrap their hair in Saran Wrap, and wait two hours. If the lice don't leave, at least they're ready for lunch. Who knows where product advertising will go when manufacturers discover all these good tips. Photo for article is at: http://pubs.acs.org/cen/whatstuff/stuff/7806sci2.html Caption: If you don't like the taste of Cheez Whiz, you can always shave with it.