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From belboz@frc2.frc.ri.cmu.edu Mon Nov 30 08:29:05 1992
Path: ai-lab!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!enterpoop.mit.edu!spool.mu.edu!uunet!uunet.ca!xenitec!looking!funny-request
Message-ID: 
Date: Fri, 27 Nov 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: belboz@frc2.frc.ri.cmu.edu (Barry Brumitt)
Subject: Warning!  Do not read this article
Keywords: chuckle, true
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Lines: 134

Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common household
products.



=-=-=

I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY
CAT, cat litter]. 

The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money.  A 20 lb.
bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more
than 14 lb. bags!"

Other importanant info:

"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat
especially absorbent."

AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:

"GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"

"TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"

"REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"

"GARDENS-enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"

All this from a cat litter!  Who could ask for more!

=-=-=

As I contemplated posting this, I glanced accross my desk at the used
Dr. Pepper bottle, to find ONE MORE little tidbit:

"(!)WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR
OTHER SERIOUS INJURY.  POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING."

So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful!  AT ANY MOMENT, WITHOUT
WARNING, it may just explode!

=-=-=

It cracks me up every time I see a juice
carton, with the words "Serve ice cold" written on it.  How else would
you serve ice?

=-=-=
>From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the
cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not
Enable Wearer To Fly".

>From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot
When Heated"

>From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has
determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels
on cigarette packages"

>From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not
Use While Sleeping"

They never cease to amaze me.

=-=-=

On the package for Top Cog  fan belts (automotive use), the first step of
the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.

=-=-=

>From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing
ways to "beat the heat."

"No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."

=-=-=

And my personal favorite....

Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant:

"Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"

=-=-=

written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield
on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting:

DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE

=-=-=

>from the Indigo Owners Manual  p 6-9

Hardware Dos and Don'ts
...

Do not  dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.

=-=-=

     And my favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels
in restrooms.  It says something like:

     Warning!  Improper use may cause serious injury or death!

=-=-=

Speaking of injury and death....  I recently bought a radial arm saw,
admittedly a genuinely dangerous product.  Of course the manual had
two or three warnings per page about hands, fingers, and arms being
cut off.  The one that really suprised me was the warning on one page
about cutting your *leg* off.  It took me quite a few days of
pondering to figure out how that could be accomplished, but I haven't
tried it yet.   I even figured out one way that you could cut your
*head* off, and there wasn't even a warning about that! 

=-=-=

Back in the good old days when TRS-80s were king, one of the TRS-80 line
printers had a wonderfully ambiguous warning sticker:

     " Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer."

We always wondered what was meant by "personal objects", and what sort
of person you'd have to be to put a "personal object" into one.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.

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