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[collected 2002-09-22 15:00:29 CDT (Sep Sun) 1032724829]

If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
       prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks,
       but you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
       of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
       only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend.
       Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16.
       We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
       day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
       with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest
       you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many
       gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it,
       there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
       already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and
       north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
       bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
       paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
       every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't
       keep painting until after Saturday night! 
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons.
       One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon
       to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some
       are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
       bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room
       from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your
       connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should
       point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will 
       be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
       started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
       direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your
       next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United. 
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