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How to have the Burning Man experience from the comfort of your own home:

- - -

Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five
days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky
neon wig, dance close naked, then say they have a lover back home at
the end of the night.

Tear down your house. Put it in a truck. Drive 10 hours in any
direction. Put the house back together. Invite everyone you meet to come
over and party. When everyone leaves, follow them back to their homes,
drink all their booze, and break things.

Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.

Stack all your fans in one corner of your living room. Put on your most
fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag
in front of them.

Pitch your tent next to the wall of speakers in a crowded, noisy club. Go
to sleep. Wake up 2 hours later in a 110+ degree tent.

Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away. Drain
all the water from the toilet. Only flush it every 4 days. Hide all the
toilet paper.

Visit a restaurant and pay them to let you alternate lying in the walk-in
freezer and sitting in the oven.

Don't sleep for 5 days. Take a wide variety of hallucinogenic/emotion
altering drugs. Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your
body. Forget how you did it. Don't go to a doctor.

Buy a new pair of favorite shoes. Throw one shoe away.

Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect,
most outrageous costume. Forget to pack it.

Listen to music you hate for 168 hours straight, or until you think you
are going to scream. Scream. Realize you'll love the music for the rest
of your life.

Get so drunk you can't recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the
block for 5 hours.

Sprinkle dirty sand in all your food.

Mail $200 to the Reno casino of your choice.

Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali's more disturbing but beautiful
paintings. Climb inside it.

Spend thousands of dollars on a deeply personal art work. Hide it in a
funhouse on the edge of the city. Blow it up.

Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire. Play a short loop of
drum'n'bass until the embers are cold.

Have a 3 a.m. soul baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms,
a crocodile, and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you're hallucinating.

- - - eof
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