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[originally archived 1998-05-23, worthy updates added 2000-09-06, -erlkonig]
Subject: Chili contest
    -- from an unknown source (apparently named Cameron):

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else
wanted  to do it.  Also the original personal called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this
as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer
and therefore known and adored by all.  Here are the scorecards from the

Chili #1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope that's
the worst one.  These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.  The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under
her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.  Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably behind
her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste
it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to
dash over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and
uncoiled -- it's kinda cute.  This 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.  I asked if
she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3,
he ap pears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll
know what killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell
our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call
the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the chili pot on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.
CAMERON: Mommie ... ???  (editor's note: judge #3 was unable to report)

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