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[collected 2002-03-26 05:58:59 CST (Mar Tue) 1017143939]

Subject: Doctors laugh too......

1. A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There wassilence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he
had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of
his
medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to
put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. And of course, the best is saved for last:
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read,"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow
the lawn."
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Cogito ergo spud (I think therefore I yam).
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alexsiodhe, christopher north-keys, christopher alex north-keys