Forwarded-by: Nev Dull
Forwarded-by: CSH Little
I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were
taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the
teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you
cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's
office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo,
Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He
said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I
don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could
expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo."
He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said,
"But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the
petition.
So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot
look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarassing." He said,
"Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarassed. Tell me, what
does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it
looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test
obsessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK,
it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look
like?" I said it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that
sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said,
"No, uh, the inkblots over there, that's a photo of my wife you're looking
at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave
me a chocolate Easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this
isn't Easter. "Is this a test ?" And he said, "Yes." "And what does it
mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal.
Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex.
Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual
tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent
oedipal complex." "Well... go on, what does it mean when you bite out the
eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He said, "It means you have a
tendency towards self destruction." I said, "Well, what do you recommend?"
He said, "Go for it."
-- Emo Phillips
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