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From: jeff@onion.rain.com (Jeff Beadles)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Flight Simulation
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 9 Feb 93 09:30:03 GMT

[Originally written for the Falcon3 mailing list by
 shanks@saifr00.cfsat.honeywell.com and forwarded with his permission - Jeff]

If you're interested in a simulation of a flight environment, you would be
much better off by buying yourself a surplus flight helmet (preferably one
that doesn't fit perfectly), a sun lamp (to get your head nice and toasty),
and a pair of Nomex/leather flight gloves (soak `em with sweat/oil/hydraulic
fluid for that crisp but slick feel). Put your monitor a little above coffee
table height.  Get about 4-5 of those concrete slabs you see at the garden
section of your local K-Mart, top `em with the thinnest cheap cushion you
can find.  (That's your "ejection seat".) Wipe the mask out with denatured
alcohol (smells nice), and clamp a rag soaked in JP-4 (kerosene will do)
on the end of the oxygen hose, and strap that puppy on `till it leaves a
ring on your face that lasts for hours. (You do this `cuz when your face
is sweaty and you`re pulling Gs, the mask will be on your chin if it isn't
on TIGHT.) Turn the sun lamp on and point it at your head. Now you're doing
it like the big boys!

Optional "realism" techniques: 

Buy some nylon webbing (the kind you use to repair old-fashioned lawn chairs
with). Cut two straps of this and wrap them between your legs TIGHTLY.
(That's your `chute harness.)

Play when you've got a BAD hangover. (Rough night at the O Club.)

Have your wife/friend/neighbor pester you with questions out of the
Owner's Manual (your pretend "Dash One") while you're trying to fly
(Check Ride!)

Get up and play at 4:00 am (otherwise known as "oh-dark hundred").

Make a cheese sandwich, wrap it in waxed paper. Stick it in a shoe box
with a half-pint of milk, a bruised apple, a crushed bag of Fritos,
and an onion. Put in the fridge overnight, then take it out, throw out
the onion, put the box under the sunlamp while you're flying, and
eat when you're hungry. (Box lunch.)

With some imagination and very little cash outlay, you can do a hell
of a job simulating what it's like to fly. That other shit (side consoles,
switches, speakers, etc.,) is strictly for show, and doesn't do anything
towards giving you that "There I wuz" feeling.

Mark Shanks
Principal Engineer, 777 Displays

Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.

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