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Subject: Insurance Claim (actual letter!)

This is a reproduction of a letter written to an insurance

company as part of an ongoing correspondence regarding an

insurance claim.. The names of the injured party and the insurance

company have been omitted for obvious reasons.

**************************************

Dear Sir,

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more

detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist

Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to

Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the

original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was

somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the

circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite

to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care

of my business, and, just prior to the moment in which I had planned

to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of

the toilet paper in such places came undone. Feeling it

striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with

unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its normal

position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my

body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's

lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain

caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that,

when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable

object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

 

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the

lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow

the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a

hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I

intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one

of my keys; thus extricating myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.

Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became

a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm

and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt

quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring

the attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the

device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the

device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution,

she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

 

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two

police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 'On-the-Spot'

news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took

charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior

member of the team discovered that the device was attached

with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once

the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing

apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I

was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his

examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it

in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at

the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the

wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced

to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a

state to think of such things, I might have realized that in

cutting the device from the wall several things would also

inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would

quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the

same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an

oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of

heat causing items that are in contact with the device

to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten

metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut

through.

 

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to

cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big

enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The

EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the

waiting ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a

full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which

I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

 

Sincerely,

Signature

(withheld)

* * *
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