Subject: Insurance Claim (actual letter!)
This is a reproduction of a letter written to an insurance
company as part of an ongoing correspondence regarding an
insurance claim.. The names of the injured party and the insurance
company have been omitted for obvious reasons.
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Dear Sir,
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to
Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was
somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite
to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care
of my business, and, just prior to the moment in which I had planned
to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of
the toilet paper in such places came undone. Feeling it
striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with
unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its normal
position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's
lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain
caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that,
when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable
object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the
lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow
the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a
hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I
intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one
of my keys; thus extricating myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became
a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm
and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt
quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring
the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the
device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the
device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution,
she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two
police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 'On-the-Spot'
news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took
charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior
member of the team discovered that the device was attached
with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once
the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing
apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I
was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it
in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at
the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a
state to think of such things, I might have realized that in
cutting the device from the wall several things would also
inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would
quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the
same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an
oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of
heat causing items that are in contact with the device
to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten
metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut
through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to
cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big
enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The
EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the
waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a
full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which
I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
Signature
(withheld)
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