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Lovers of the world unite: You have nothing to gain but orgasms

-Lisa Swann, Texan Columnist
 [from The Daily Texan, probably some summer while Bush was still in office]

    "License my roving hands, and let them go,
     Before, behind, between, above, below."  -- John Donne
    "I recognize that mystical air --
     It means I'd like to see your underwear."  -- Morrisey

When was the last time a total stranger breathed something like that down
your ear on a campus elevator? Rhythm may be fatally afflicted (not many
people can whisper propositions in iambic pentameter), but shameless lust
is dead.

Anyone who publicly admits appreciation for the more subtle aspects of the
human body (sex, in layman's terms) is looking to be a martyr for a lost

Carnality is no longer acceptable in modern American society.  Soon it will
replace patricide as the ultimate sin.

It's not that sex has ceased to happen (let's try to stay with realistic
theories);  it is simply not the chic thing it used to be.

It's surprising that anyone admits to having sex at all.

If you're a politician, it could crush your career.  For some bizarre and
twisted reason, the American public enjoys electing pure, partially
impotent men to large legislative bodies.

In my stupidity, I must be missing some crucial point.  Impotent is not
desirable in genetic breeding.. Why is it a prerequisite to the presidency?

But politics isn't the only sensual wasteland.  What about the Protestant
majority of the common herd?

These are the people who mistakenly believe that th3e Florentine and the
Viennese oyster are main courses at an Italian restaurant.  More alarming
yet, the believe the croupade and cuissade to be unintelligible French

And -that's- sad.  To be ignorant of the past is forgivable, but to be
ignorant of the human body and its wonderful flexibility decries the sad
state of the world.

It has come to the point that people are ashamed of simply having bodies.
You can forget about  doing anything with them.

So here most people stand ... basically bored and sexually frustrated.  And
they suffer under the delusion that pleasure is evil.  Not very uplifting,
is it?

More depressing yet is the fact that even the sexual rebels of today aren't
wholehearted in their seductions.  Morrissey, the man who said, "fifteen
minutes with you, I wouldn't say no", claims to be celibate.  All may be

The disappearance of good-hearted sexuality is sad.  And the real clencher
is the censorship:  Those who still believe in the physical act catch a lot
of flack.

People who carry on slightly raunchy conversation receive scathing
judgmental speeches from conscientious young Christians within hearing

It's scarring.  I think twice before I scream some lewd compliment or
proposition on the street.  I don't relish being burned at the stake.

So today I officially declare rebellion.

I want to tell  my mother that there is more to sex than the missionary

I want to eradicate the horrible fear that any sane person will marry
someone without sleeping with them first.

I want the quintessential sexual compliment to be "You can pin a mountain
like a butterfly" (Morrissey once again).  A simple  "Baby, you're good",
with a resounding slap on the ass is the ultimate crass faux pas.

See, I just can't believe that feeling good is some thing to harbor mass
guilt about.  In this case, it's better to be too loose than too tight.

Think about the worst scenario:  You die and find out there is no
afterlife.   All those cold showers and confessions won't get you a pinto
bean, much less another chance to learn the X position.

-- So fancy yourself the young libertine, It's okay. --

And 8if you've got to put all of this on a higher intellectual plane to
justify it, consider this:  Every time I settle for less, my freedom of
speech and thought is being submitted to the social prod.  I refuse to
apologize for anything I've willingly participated in (better yet,

And I refuse to apologize to people who can't say -orgasm- .

     [Swann [was] a liberal arts freshman]

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