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A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road… Ten minutes later, three men walk out.

The physicist looks confused and says There must an error in the measurements.

The biologist retorts No, they must have reproduced!.

To which the mathematician says If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bar tender: What'll it be, boys?
The first mathematician: I’ll have one half of a beer.
The second mathematician: I’ll have one quarter of a beer.
The third mathematician: I’ll have one eight of a beer.
The forth mathematician: I’ll have one sixteenth of a ....
The bar tender interrupts: Oh, fuck the lot of ya! ...and he pours a single full beer.
Why do software engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Oct = octal and Dec = decimal.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks Do all off you want a drink?.
The first logician says I don't know.
The second logician says I don't know.
The third logician says yes!.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and startcounting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides, but Newton just draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square on the ground right in front of Einstein and then stands in the middle of it and waits.

Einstein reaches tends and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it!.

Newton smiles and says You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

One newton (a unit of force, 1 kgm/s²) per square meter is a pascal, a unit of pressure (1 N/m² or 1 kg/ms²). The over is a visual pun on division notation.
Helium walks into a bar and order of beer. The bartender says Sorry, we don't server noble gasses here.
Helium doesn't react.
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
Don't worry, he's 0K now.
That 0 in 0K is a zero.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He tells the waitress I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
The waitress replies I'm sorry Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?.
One of Sartre's themes is the idea of genuine choice. Sartre can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but the waitress is offering him an upgrade of a meaningful choice to omit an ingredient they do have.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender I'll have some H₂O!.
The second says I'll have some H₂O too!.
The second scientist dies.
H₂O₂ is hydrogen peroxide, a rocket fuel, not that lame 3% mix from the drugstore. The scientist might die faster if should have it with a nice vinegary salad, which forms an good etchant, and H₂O₂ combined with greasy food might even explode.

A group of mathematician are at a team building seminar. When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians rooms. He quickly tears pages out of his notebook, lighting them from the blaze one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding the sheets of burning paper under other mathematician's doors.

After the building burns to the ground the fire marshal asks the mathematicians how the fire spread so fast. He responds. I thought distributing the problem would lead to finding a solution faster.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway
A cop pulled him over and says Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?.
Heisenberg said, No, but I knew where I was.
The cop says You were doing 100 miles an hour!
...to which Heisenberg replies Great, now I'm lost!.
There's this calculus party, and all the functions are invited...
ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend ex sulking in a corner.
ln(x): What's wrong ex?
ex: I'm so lonely!
ln(x): Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!
ex looks up and cries, It won't make a difference!.
A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.
You’re the worst topology professor! You couldn’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground! True, but I can tell the difference between my ass and two holes in the ground!
We don't serve faster-than-light particles here, says the barman.
A tachyon enters a bar.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality...
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A Higgs boson walks into a church and the priest cries out We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!.
The Higgs boson replies But without me, how could you have mass?.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stands and says Make me one with everything.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
proper teaproperty
How can you distinguish a plumber from a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
You may need to write the word, and the chemist will probably also grumble that deinionized is the correct term.
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
UDP = User Datagram Protocol, a packet delivery mechanism which does not guarantee delivery, but tends to be quick with low overhead.
I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.
(best follow-up reply) "Ack!"
TCP = Transmission Control Protocol, which guarantees delivery by retransmitting unKnowledged (un-acked) packets.
An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, Ah, we'll have some fun with him!. So they walk up and say, Hey, Paddy, as you're new here, we have to make sure you know your joist from your girder...?.
Ah, sure, I knows. says Paddy, twas Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
µ is the usual symbol for the coefficient of friction.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician in an artillery squad are trying to hit the enemy.
  1. The physicist calculates the trajectory using ballistic equations, but assumes no air resistance, so his shot falls 5 meters short.
  2. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, and his shot lands 5 meters long.
  3. The statistician yells We got 'em!.
(follow-up) That joke was mean!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure...
The programmer's wife tells him: Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A programmers wife sends him to the store and says get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs.
The programmer never came back.
A programmer died in the shower - the instructions on the shampoo were: Wash; rinse; repeat.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: So, is it a boy or a girl?.
The logician replies: Yes.
The philosopher says to the linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?.
The linguist replies They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
Said by the loser of a race: Not fair - you changed the result by measuring it!.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
(√b)² = b
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John.
In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John.
Where is Amanda's husband?
#1: Inside her.
#2: I don't know where, but he's coming.
(Ages in years: m = Mom's, j = John's)
  1. given
    m = j + 21
  2. given
    m + 6 = 5(j + 6)
  3. [2], both -6
    m = 5(j + 6) - 6
  4. expand ×
    m = 5j + 30 - 6
  5. simplify
    m = 5j + 24
  6. [1], substitute for m
    j + 21 = 5j + 24
  7. both -24
    j - 3 = 5j
  8. both -j
    -3 = 4j
  9. both ÷4
    -3/4 = j
∴ John's age is currently = -3/4 years = -9 months, so he's being conceived right now.
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Earth: too weird to destroy.
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