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-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never  opened, small stain.
-Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
-I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
-Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
-I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
-I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
-I intend to live forever - so far, so good
-I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
-If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
-Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
-Mind Like  A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
-Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
-Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
-Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
-The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
-If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
-Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
-24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  something.
-Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
-When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
-If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
-Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
-I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
-Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
-Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
-Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
-OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-Black holes are where God divided by zero.
-All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
-I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
-Life is sexually transmitted.
-Kids in the backseat cause accidents: accidents in the back seat cause
 kids.
-It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the
 end!
-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
 bathroom.
-If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
 knees.
-Never knock on Death's Door, just ring the doorbell and run (he hates
 that).
-Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.
-When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
 play chess?
-Don't take life too seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway.
-There are two kinds of pedestrians.  The quick and the dead!
-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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alexsiodhe, christopher north-keys, christopher alex north-keys