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Article 2819 of alt.folklore.computers:
Path: ut-emx!cs.utexas.edu!samsung!usc!apple!agate!violet.berkeley.edu!ph111-bx
From: ph111-bx@violet.berkeley.edu
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Real Programmers
Summary: How to tell if you're a REAL programmer
Keywords: real, programmer
Message-ID: <1990Apr11.064734.28445@agate.berkeley.edu>
Date: 11 Apr 90 06:47:34 GMT
Article-I.D.: agate.1990Apr11.064734.28445
Posted: Wed Apr 11 01:47:34 1990
References: <1932@speedy.mcnc.org> <8460003@hpldola.HP.COM>
Sender: Ed Krauss
Reply-To: ph111-bx@violet.berkeley.edu (Ed Krauss)
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
Lines: 85

"Snarfed" from rec.humor from a few years back.  A classic that this news
group wouldn't be complete without.


                           Real Programmers ...

Don't eat quiche.  Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche.
They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Don't write applications programs.  They program right down to the bare metal.
Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.

Don't write specs.  Users should be grateful for whatever they get.  They are
lucky to get any program at all.

Don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand and even harder to modify.

Don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of
documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and
the coward.

Don't use Cobal.  Cobal is for wimpy applications programmers.

Don't us Fortran.  Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks,
pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies.  They get excited over
finite state analysis and nuclear reacter simulation.

Don't use PL/I.  PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between
Cobal and Fortran.

Don't use BASIC.  In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Don't use LISP.  Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than
actual code.

Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science
languages.  Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because
they were up all night.

Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes.
Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to
work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine

Disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is for compulsive,
prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up
sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

Don't like the team programming concept.  Unless, of course, they are the
Chief Programmer.

Have no use for managers.  Managers are a necessary evil.  Managers are for
dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental

Scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point was invented for pansy
bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.  They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up
trucks with floor shifts.  Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Don't believe in schedules.  Planners make up schedules.  Managers "firm up"
schedules.  Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.  Real programmers
ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in the microwave oven.  Real
programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.  They can tell what job
is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real
program.  Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address
another execute as the target instruction.  Real programmers despise
such petty restrictions.

Don't bring brown bag lunches to work.  If the vending machine sells it,
they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.
Vending machines don't sell quiche.

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