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Life's Reflections                                    [collected 2001-03-19]

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when
   you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
   going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
    when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
    other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
    locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental
    illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
    got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your
    biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
    it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
    but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
    said, Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? I said I didn't
    know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
    the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and at the Bill Clinton
    Adult Bookstore.

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