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Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 07:25:19 -0500

I got this from someone here in Hursley, England, and almost fell off my
chair laughing.  The UK is having a jolly good time with the presidential
elections in the states. Everyone is picking on me over here, asking me who
the president is *every* time they see me. I've been saying that I'm not
keeping tabs, so they won't bother me. When I saw this e-mail in my inbox
this morning, I thought someone over here was sharing with me
the election results, since I don't take the newspaper and haven't been
watching the television.

But noooo.... it was much more than that. Take a look...

---------------------- Forwarded by ...
Subject:  final election results

---------------------- Forwarded by ...

> To the citizens of the United States of America:
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
> govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
>  of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
> over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
> Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (for the
> 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
>  that there is a world outside your borders, that's the Rt. Hon. Tony
> Blair, MP) will appoint a minister for America
>  without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded. A
> questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
> noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up aluminium". Check the pronunciation
>  guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
> it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
>  to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such
> as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. Look up
> "interspersed".
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf.
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard.
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys.
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> but only after fully carrying out task 1.
> We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> football. What you refer to as American
>  "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
> there is a world outside your borders may have
>  noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer
> allowed to play it, and should instead play
>  proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
> in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
> "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
> every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We
> are hoping to get together at least a US
>  rugby sevens
> side by 2005.
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who
>  were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
> yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been
>  the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will
>  be called "Indecisive Day".
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you
> will understand what we mean.
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
> Thank you for your cooperation.
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