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RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS:

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over,  there's   
nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too.  Why if I wasn't born a boy....  I'd  have nothing   
to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just  the other   
night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy  jogging naked.   
 I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that? He said   
...Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a  shirt and a   
button fell off.   I picked up my briefcase and the  handle came off. I'm   
afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were  a toaster and a   
radio.

My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as a   
friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to   
my father .... I'm very sorry.  We did everything  we could......  But he   
pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of  my finger   
to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find   
my parents.  I said to him .... do you  think we'll  ever find them?  He   
said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many place they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor.  Doctor, every morning when I get up  and look   
in the mirror... I feel like throwing up;  What's wrong with me? He   
said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Cogito ergo spud (I think therefore I yam).
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