> St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when
> the 2% of the world's population that's Irish
> gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. However,
> while we appreciate that those who aren't Irish
> wish to join in celebrating the day St. Patrick
> (real name: Patrick McPuke) who drove the
> serpents out of Ireland using only the power of
> God, a quart of Jameson and weapons-grade
> irradiated cobalt, the way most people observe
> St. Patrick's Day is offensive and disrespectful.
> There's nothing more pathetic than some fat
> Polack or Guido swilling seven Buds mixed with
> carcinogenic green dye drunkenly arguing that
> INXS is "authentic Irish music" just before
> barfing into a plate of corned beef and cabbage.
>
> Let's face it: most people are in no condition to
> handle the all-day drunk of St. Patrick's Day.
> However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you
> can enjoy St. Patrick Day with no fear that
> anyone will think you're not from the Auld Sod
> even if your name is Amhed Al Jihad.
>
> Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
>
> Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower,
> and
> liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne,
> deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3
> p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other
> poisons, and without proper preparations, you
> will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
> fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use
> this time to prepare. Collect the following
> supplies and put them in a place where you will
> easily be able to find it in an impaired
> condition. We recommend the bathroom floor,
> between the toilet and the baseboard heater,
> since that's where you'll probably end up:
>
> 1 quart spring water
> 1 bottle aspirin
> 5 pairs Depends undergarment
> 1 bottle Percocet
> 1 gram morphine sulfate
> 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
> 1 precharged electric defibrillator
> 4 Cardiac needles
> 1 trauma surgeon
>
> Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson
> Irish whiskey, drink.
>
> Note that coffee should be drunk liberally
> throughout the day. There is a reason that the
> Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a
> large volume of artificial stimulants
> throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you
> are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be
> taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress
> enough that you should not drink and drive. There
> is no reason to chance losing your license or
> killing someone in a drunken state when you have
> plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk
> on your behalf.
>
> Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
>
> Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure
> this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish
> bar in Boston is the best alternative, since
> Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However,
> almost every city in America has bars called The
> Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick.
> Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is
> probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and
> do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar
> is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish
> people do no wait in line for drinks, no matter
> what the consequences. While we do recommend the
> use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant
> smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon,
> you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway,
> and your mild urine smell will be completely
> overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We
> recommend starting out with a few more Irish
> Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however,
> you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you
> will be given a fruity little glass mug topped
> with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy
> named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while
> putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for
> coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to
> leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add
> spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
>
> Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
>
> It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's
> important to eat something, because like Sheriff
> Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like
> that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you
> want to maintain your buzz and not get that
> hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down
> your drinking, there are only two options:
> popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates
> you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up
> excess bile in your stomach, and both have names
> that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your
> words too early, you'll hear the most frightening
> phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's
> Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". By
> now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to
> beer. You have only one option here: Guinness
> stout. You may be tempted to order green beer,
> but remember: beer doesn't always turn green
> because of food coloring.
>
> Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
>
> By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people
> take long lunches and bail out of work early to
> tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly,
> the bar should look twice or three times as
> crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in
> conversation with some real Irish people, since
> the person you came with has likely been taken
> away by ambulance. Some conversational points to
> remember when talking to the Irish are: Football
> really means Soccer, and you should be more
> passionate about it than you are about your wife
> or husband AND The English are all piss-arsed,
> pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and
> kicked into the liffey. If you remember those two
> points, as well at least three derogatory names
> for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish
> for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness
> throughout this leg, although you may want to
> have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has
> become irregular.
>
> The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
>
> Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to
> leave the bar at closing time. This will be
> impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50
> usually equals death, and you should be pushing a
> .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true
> Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
> honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a
> punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no
> one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You
> will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor
> control has been gone since the late morning, but
> it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
> Depending on your community, the police should
> arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off
> the floor and clap you in irons. The final
> impression you leave is the most important: as
> you
> are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming
> that you want to take your drink with you. You
> will be a legend, and by now the friend who took
> you to the bar should have had his or her stomach
> pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By
> following these simple guidelines, your St.
> Patrick's Day experience would be one you would
> never forget if it weren't physically and
> biologically impossible for you to remember any
> of it.
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