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>   St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when
>   the 2% of the world's population that's Irish
>   gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. However,
>   while we appreciate that those who aren't Irish
>   wish to join in celebrating the day St. Patrick
>   (real name: Patrick McPuke) who drove the
>   serpents out of Ireland using only the power of
>   God, a quart of Jameson and weapons-grade
>   irradiated cobalt, the way most people observe
>   St. Patrick's Day is offensive and disrespectful.
>   There's nothing more pathetic than some fat
>   Polack or Guido swilling seven Buds mixed with
>   carcinogenic green dye drunkenly arguing that
>   INXS is "authentic Irish music" just before
>   barfing into a plate of corned beef and cabbage.
>   Let's face it: most people are in no condition to
>   handle the all-day drunk of St. Patrick's Day.
>   However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you
>   can enjoy St. Patrick Day with no fear that
>   anyone will think you're not from the Auld Sod
>   even if your name is Amhed Al Jihad.
>   Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
>   Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower,
>   and
>   liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne,
>   deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3
>   p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other
>   poisons, and without proper preparations, you
>   will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
>   fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use
>   this time to prepare. Collect the following
>   supplies and put them in a place where you will
>   easily be able to find it in an impaired
>   condition. We recommend the bathroom floor,
>   between the toilet and the baseboard heater,
>   since that's where you'll probably end up:
>   1 quart spring water
>   1 bottle aspirin
>   5 pairs Depends undergarment
>   1 bottle Percocet
>   1 gram morphine sulfate
>   1 oz. human adrenaline extract
>   1 precharged electric defibrillator
>   4 Cardiac needles
>   1 trauma surgeon
>   Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson
>   Irish whiskey, drink.
>   Note that coffee should be drunk liberally
>   throughout the day. There is a reason that the
>   Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a
>   large volume of artificial stimulants
>   throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you
>   are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be
>   taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress
>   enough that you should not drink and drive. There
>   is no reason to chance losing your license or
>   killing someone in a drunken state when you have
>   plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk
>   on your behalf.
>   Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
>   Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure
>   this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish
>   bar in Boston is the best alternative, since
>   Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However,
>   almost every city in America has bars called The
>   Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick.
>   Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is
>   probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and
>   do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar
>   is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish
>   people do no wait in line for drinks, no matter
>   what the consequences. While we do recommend the
>   use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant
>   smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon,
>   you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway,
>   and your mild urine smell will be completely
>   overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We
>   recommend starting out with a few more Irish
>   Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however,
>   you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you
>   will be given a fruity little glass mug topped
>   with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy
>   named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while
>   putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for
>   coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to
>   leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add
>   spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
>   Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
>   It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's
>   important to eat something, because like Sheriff
>   Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like
>   that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you
>   want to maintain your buzz and not get that
>   hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down
>   your drinking, there are only two options:
>   popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates
>   you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up
>   excess bile in your stomach, and both have names
>   that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your
>   words too early, you'll hear the most frightening
>   phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's
>   Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". By
>   now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to
>   beer. You have only one option here: Guinness
>   stout. You may be tempted to order green beer,
>   but remember: beer doesn't always turn green
>   because of food coloring.
>   Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
>   By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people
>   take long lunches and bail out of work early to
>   tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly,
>   the bar should look twice or three times as
>   crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in
>   conversation with some real Irish people, since
>   the person you came with has likely been taken
>   away by ambulance. Some conversational points to
>   remember when talking to the Irish are: Football
>   really means Soccer, and you should be more
>   passionate about it than you are about your wife
>   or husband AND The English are all piss-arsed,
>   pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and
>   kicked into the liffey. If you remember those two
>   points, as well at least three derogatory names
>   for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish
>   for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness
>   throughout this leg, although you may want to
>   have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has
>   become irregular.
>   The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
>   Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to
>   leave the bar at closing time. This will be
>   impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50
>   usually equals death, and you should be pushing a
>   .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true
>   Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
>   honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a
>   punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no
>   one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You
>   will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor
>   control has been gone since the late morning, but
>   it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
>   Depending on your community, the police should
>   arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off
>   the floor and clap you in irons. The final
>   impression you leave is the most important: as
>   you
>   are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming
>   that you want to take your drink with you. You
>   will be a legend, and by now the friend who took
>   you to the bar should have had his or her stomach
>   pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By
>   following these simple guidelines, your St.
>   Patrick's Day experience would be one you would
>   never forget if it weren't physically and
>   biologically impossible for you to remember any
>   of it.
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