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From: "The desk of ..." 
To: elbows@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: This came to me by mistake in the middle of an EIT. (TIAG)
Date: Thu, 19 Sep 91 17:05:52 edt

To:   All Worldwide Analysts  
From: John D Bush (MTS 508-620-2800 x7068 Fax x5139)  

Here is a nice collection of Steven Wright humor from UseNet.
Actually, I dialed into a computer yesterday and someone was still
logged in on that line.  This file was in his directory.  So I ftp'd
it to myself before logging him out.  Thanks JP!

First, here are a few I've added, (perhaps edited):

   What do batteries run on?

   If someone sold you a box of powdered water, what would you add?

   I live on the meridian between the lanes of a big highway.  I like it
   a lot.  The only problem is, I have to be going 60 miles per hour when
   I pull out of the driveway.

   My house is made entirely of Balsa Wood.  Sometimes, when some kids
   playing in my yard, I like to scare them by going outside and picking
   the house up by one corner over my head.  I say, 'Go on, get out of
   here before I throw this house at you!', and that gets rid of them.

   You know what it's like when you're rocking backward on the 2 back legs
   of your chair, when suddenly you get thrown off balance and you
   instantly catch yourself by jerking forward?  Well, I feel like that

And the rest:

- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ajs@hpfcdc.HP.COM (Alan Silverstein)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Steven Wright quotes
Date: 26 Jul 91 16:34:11 GMT
Organization: HP Fort Collins, Co.

Here's a long collection.  I'll add in the new ones posted in this string.

        Some amusing Steve Wright sayings, from various sources, some
        from memory, in random order.

        Last updated:  900920

        Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.  On the back it
        said, "Wish you were here."

        Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

        I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

        If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the

        "Did you sleep well?"  "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

        My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
        package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
        she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

        My socks DO match.  They're the same thickness.

        "Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't
        going to be on the road an hour."

        I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
        means it's going to be up all night.

        I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
        locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
        Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

        I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a
        full house and four people died.

        I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
        anywhere near the place.

        I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
        in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
        weren't included.

        I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
        the statues that are in all the other museums.

        It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

        Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

        What's another word for Thesaurus?

        When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
        parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
        me if I'm leaving.

        When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
        any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

        You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

        A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of

        If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

        From:  rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
        Date:  22 Jan 1990
        Subject:  fake Steven Wright jokes      [original; edited]
        Newsgroups:  rec.humor

        I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
        what to feed it.

        I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to
        a potluck.  I stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you
        want white cake or chocolate cake?"  I said, "yes".

        My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if
        I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

        I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
        said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

        I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

        I had amnesia once or twice.

        I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

        I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a
        dollar bill to everybody on the list.

        I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
        someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

        My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go
        up the stairs.

        The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every
        morning.  The sky must get awfully crowded.

        I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm

        You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
        in the mail, and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that
        all the time.

        How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

        I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
        supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
        said "compact cars".

        From:  rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
        Date:  27 Jan 1990
        Subject:  fake Steven Wright jokes      [original; edited]
        Newsgroups:  rec.humor

        The sky already fell.  Now what?

        I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.

        I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure
        enough, I couldn't see any forests.

        If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
        fan club?

        When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
        ankle.  A little old lady had to help me across the street.

        If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
        think you're Shakespeare?

        You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
        asleep, you're reading, reading...  and all of a sudden you
        notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.

        My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
        apartment somewhere.

        Smoking cures weight problems...  eventually...

        I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet
        when you eat it.  Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
        falls on the floor.

        Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what

        I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

        I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in
        only ten minutes.

        I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes

        I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch
        light on all day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

        I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.

        You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
        experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
        part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.

        I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
        "What are you making?"  "A salt lick."

        There aren't enough days in the weekend.

        Date:  29 Jan 90
        From:  rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)    [original; edited]
        To:  ajs@hpfcajs.hp.com

        My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets
        have no doors.  The walls are covered with see-through

        Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put
        something on.

        The sky is falling...  no, I'm tipping over backwards.

        Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

        Is "tired old cliche" one?

        If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a

        if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a

        It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.

        When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
        two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

        The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to

        Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.
        It told me it was none of my business.

        I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had
        to give it back.

        In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends
        with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

        I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.

        I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.

        I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on
        microfilm.  By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

        Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on
        doughbolts.  They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they
        make erector sets out of play-dough.

        I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
        found spirit gum.

        I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not
        for sale."

        I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

        I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates
        New York.

        A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and
        returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

        I had my coathangers spayed.

        I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it
        out, it was gone.

        The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to
        Alaska.  Now Santa Claus is missing.

        I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The
        headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

        Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

        I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half
        of them.  Now I can ride a unicycle.

        Here are my categories, with examples (his):


        I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
        suddenly the prescription ran out.

        I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.


        I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
        The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot

        I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
        reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
        If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
        light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
        He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."


        I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
        a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."

        I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't
        notice until I got it set up.  People complained because they
        couldn't see the lake.


        When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
        age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
        I'll be ninety.

        Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how
        much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.


        I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in

        It's a fine night to have an evening.

        Even snakes are afraid of snakes.


        I can't stop thinking like this.

        This isn't all true.

        You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
        get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
        that all the time.


        I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

        Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


        Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They
        lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and
        took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
        they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
        other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.  What did
        you think?"

        My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
        numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
        was.  You can guess what he told me.

        And here's one from arensb@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger):

        I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX

        And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart):

        What are imitation rhinestones?

        If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

        If God dropped acid, would he see people?

 Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
 appear bright until you hear them speak?

 How come abbreviated is such a long word?

 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
 cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

 Why do  you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
 is dead?

 Why are they called "buildings", when they're already finished?
 Shouldn't they be called "builts"?

 Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

 Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them
 what time it is?

 Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

 Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

 Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?

 The light went out, but where to?

 Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
 already know you don't have?

 Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

 Why is the alphabet in that order?

 If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
 expanding, what is it expanding into?

 If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
 the taxi driver end up owing you money?

 What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

 If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
 other trees make fun of it?

 Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

 When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
 sounds like a near hit to me!!

 Do fish get cramps after eating?

 Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

 Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
 of everything outdoors?

 Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

 If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

 Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
 not a door?

 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you Tell
 him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it?

 How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
 when someone threw a gun at him?

 If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of

 Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
 liquid contains real lemons?

 How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

 Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to  get rid of?

 Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

 Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

 What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

 Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

 Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM

 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
 section?"  She said if she told me, it  would defeat the purpose.

 If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
 all still working?

 Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

 Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

 Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

 War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
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