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STEVEN WRIGHT one liners:

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATMS?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why
don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

When signmakers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid
to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Where are Preparatlons A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're
just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run but your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My school colors were "clear."

I stayed in a really old hotel last night.  They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes.  I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathlng.

I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked me how long I was going
to be gone.  I said, "The whole time."

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Can you tell
me about some of the people who were here last year?"

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's dad.  He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."  I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped.  I said, "No thanks, I'm
not going that far."

I played a blank tape on full volume.  The mime who lives next door complained.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks
dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
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Cogito ergo spud (I think therefore I yam).
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alexsiodhe, christopher north-keys, christopher alex north-keys