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Article 1582 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: ut-emx!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: stuart@wotan.UUCP (Stuart Freedman [x1708])
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: DEC Confuser News
Keywords: computer, chuckle
Message-ID: <84694@looking.on.ca>
Date: 26 Jan 90 11:30:07 GMT
Article-I.D.: looking.84694
Posted: Fri Jan 26 05:30:07 1990
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 94
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet.uucp!leafusa!wotan!stuart

This almost makes me nostalgic for the DG News Online...

By: cadorette@wagon.enet.dec.com (29-Nov-1989 1458)

                     CONFUSER NEWS - Edition 4
	    "All the news that fits, we print" -  A. E. Newman
DIGITAL SELLS ITS EMPLOYEES - Digital Equipment Corporation announced
today that since it has had so much trouble selling its VAXes and has
so many excess employees, it will begin offering the employees for
sale. According to our reporter, DEC expects its employees to run about
20% faster than its older machines and about half the speed of its RISC
based DECSTATION line. Prices and delivery are expected at the NODECEMP
show in January.
HP/APOLLO MERGER FOLLOWUP - It has come to the attention of this paper
that analysts have finally concluded what HP and Apollo each brought to
their recent merger. HP brought Tauruses and Apollo gave HP yet another
line of incompatable machines and lots of third party peripherals to
compete with HP's own. Most analysts are convinced HP should have bought
Apollo years ago when HP could have also brought donuts.
COMPAQ announced last week that it has the world's most expensive PC
line at prices up to $80,000. Compaq also announced sales of 2000 to its
PC competitor Hewlett Packard. HP spokesperson Fasta Cieuw said that the
new machines will allow HP management to do even larger and more
complicated Lotus spreadsheets. HP had previously announce the
replacemnt of its world renowned MBWA with MBLS.
Sun Microsystems recently pronounced that X-Windows is not an industry
standard. A SUN spokeswoman claimed that it couldn't possibly be a
standard as SUN has not invented it yet. "As soon as we come up with it,
it will be made a standard" she said. "We expect to have a working
X-Windows before the turn of the century and we promise to be first to
market as we always are."
DEC INTRODUCES ITS FIRST MAINFRAME. - Digital Equipment Corporation
announced its first mainframe size computer. "We tried to make it bigger
than IBM's but we did not have enough sheet metal in the plant" a DEC
spokesman said. "However, it does outrun the DECStation 3100 by 20% and
is at least twice as fast as the employees we will be selling in the
next year". The spokesman was referring to the previous announcement
about selling its employees.
HP ANNOUNCES RETURN TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS - Because of recent criticism
from employees about how the "HP WAY" was going away, HP recently
announced some major plans to reverse the trend. "The first of these is
the recent removal of backup from our HP-UX SAM subsystem. We wanted to
go back to the old way of making a decision without any field or
customer input just like we used to do" a spokesperson from HP
announced. The spokesperson also stated that there was no truth to the
rumor that HP was intending to bring back donuts by merging with "Debbie
Does Donuts". "That kind of business is incompatable with the image we
want to project" said the spokesperson.

IBM ANNOUNCES NEW WORKSTATION LINE - In a surprise move, IBM announced a
fast way to bring in a new, powerful line of workstations totally
compatable with its current mainframe line. In an amazing feat of
technical brilliance, IBM claimed 100% compatability between mainframe
and workstation. IBM spokesman Joe Isuzu said the new 3090SRX is at
least as fast as the Apollo DN10000 "and a lot bigger and more expensive".
Mr. Isuzu denied that the 3090SRX is just a 3090 with all terminals
removed except the console. "Would we do something like that" he asked?
Prices for the new workstations are in the $1M to $10M range.  Delivery
is expected to start by 1993.
HP CRITICIZES CUSTOMERS - In a surpise move, HP sharply criticized some
of its customers for having centralized administrative machines and
failing to put workstations on the desks of their field engineers. "Who
do they think they are" a spokeswoman said. "Only we are allowed to be
so backward because we make them".
SUN DOUBLES MTBF - SUN Microsystems claimed the MTBF leadership position
in quality. "In the tradition of leading the industry, we at SUN are
proud to claim the best quality increase. Once again, we lead not only
in price/performance and support, but now we are the quality champion"
said the new SUN Vice-President Jane Doe. "We increased our MTBF from
100 hours to 300 hours, a 300% increase. HP can't do that. The best they
can do is 10.1 years to 10.2 years, a measly increase of less than 1%.
That means we are more than 300 times better than HP! That's leadership."
This reporter asked HP to respond but we were unable to find anyone in
public relations or marketing. In related news, this reporter found out
that the name "Jane Doe" is not the real name for the SUN Vice-President
we had talked to. However, she said it was more convenient to use that
name as it saved the company considerable money in not having to reprint
business cards every time an executive left.

Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.

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