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by Peter Leppik
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it
was happening. I hope it isn't one of those had to be there things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h
I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I
figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.
ME: Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.
IT: Is that it?
ME: Yep.
IT: That'll be $1.04, eat here?
ME: No, it's *to* *go*. [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny and says
IT: Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?
MG: No. A what?
IT: A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.
MG: Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.
IT: Yeah, thought so.
He comes back to me and says
IT: We don't take these. Do you have anything else?
ME: Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
IT: I don't know.
ME: See here where it says legal tender?
IT: Yeah.
ME: So, shouldn't you take it?
IT: Well, hang on a sec.
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and
IT: He says I have to take it.
MG: Doesn't he have anything else?
IT: Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get
change.
MG: I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE. [my emphasis]
IT: What should I do?
MG: Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.
IT: I can't tell him that, you tell him.
MG: Just tell him.
IT: No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says
MG: Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.
[it was 8pm
and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall
with 100 other stores.]
ME: Well, here's a two.
MG: We don't take *those* either.
ME: Why the hell not?
MG: I think you *know* why.
ME: No really, tell me, why?
MG: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: Excuse me?
MG: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: What the hell for?
MG: Please, sir.
ME: Uh, go ahead, call them.
MG: Would you please just leave?
ME: No.
MG: Fine, have it your way then.
ME: No, that's Burger King, isn't it?
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45
year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]
SG: Yeah, Mike, what's up?
MG: This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.
SG: Really? What?
MG: Get this, a *two* dollar bill.
SG: Why would a guy fake a $2 bill? [incredulous]
MG: I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty.
SG: So, the fifty's fake?
MG: NO, the $2 is.
SG: Why would he fake a $2 bill?
MG: I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?
SG: Yeah...
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to
use.
ME: Uh, no.
SG: Lemme see 'em.
ME: Why?
SG: Do you want me to get the cops in here?
At this point I was ready to say, SURE, PLEASE, but I wanted to eat,
so I said
ME: I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says
SG: Mike, what's wrong with this bill?
MG: It's fake.
SG: It doesn't look fake to me.
MG: But it's a **$2** bill.
SG: Yeah?
MG: Well, there's no such thing, is there?
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I
could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
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